If you might not know, I lost my dad a month ago. Writing this, I don't mean to exaggerate how sad I am or how I need attention from people. I just want to share about my feeling going through all of this and basically, I need a platform to write down all of my thoughts here since it's my blog.
Since my dad was gone to the better place up there, a lot of things changed in my life. Until now, I feel that the situation right now is still sureal and I can't believe it happened this way.
If you ever watched a movie about children whom had no idea what's happened then suddenly when they got home and found out that there's yellow flag hanging in front of your house and it happened that your parent, either mom or dad or both, passed away and they broke into tears because they were clueless about those things, well, that situation exactly same with mine. The difference is what happened to me was real and you have no idea how that incident still haunts me 'till right now.
I'm not yet ready to tell you about the situation back then, but what I want to talk about is the worse part after your loss of the loved ones.
At first,I know my life never be the same without my Dad. I was really get used to of his presence. Everytime I came home when holiday, he would always pick me up, either in airport or train station. He would always ask about my college life and how my life's going. The memories of him still vividly play in my head everytime I find out stuff that he loved or in the middle of conversation with my friends which the topic reminds me of him.
For the God's sake, it's not easy when something that reminiscing me to the moment with my dad. Everytime the memory's snapped up my head, my throat feel like being choked and I feel suffocated. I nearly shed tears but I hold myself not to cry especially in public.
I surely miss my dad. So much. I exactly know that he is in much happier place than this mortal world and God will always be with him. I'm trully being sincere but what makes me feel bitter and sad in the same time is the memories.
Guess what's the worse thing than missing a person whom won't miss you back? Haunted by the good memories you had done together every single day and knowing that you won't be able to do the same goddamnthing forever.
What's left after the loss of the loved ones are memories. Memory is complex thing to understand. It's not a thing we can touch but it's part of our brains. Scientist explained that human memory involves the ability to both preserve and recover information we have learned or experienced. There are three stage models of memories- sensory memory, short term memory, and lond term memory. In my case, experiences I had with my dad restored in my long-term memory which uneasy to forget. I live with the memories forever and it's easy to recall those because, I thought, those all restored unconciously.
Repeatly told myself that I am very well, I am strong enough facing this storm and my brokenheart will be healed by time but I guess, I was wrong. Once, when I hungout with my friend, I saw my dad favorite food-chicken wings. That time, I was completely frozen and my mind wandered to the time when my dad ordered chicken wings while we ate some pizzas. My throat felt like being choked and I was going to burst into tears but I held myself not to cry so sudden in front of my friend. So, I pinched my arm to make myself concious. It happened all the time when I saw something that made me remember my dad.
My mom told me that she felt like that too. She, sometimes, was going blank in the middle of activities because her memories about dad suddenly came up. When she sang in the church, she shed tears because she recalled things about dad.
Then, I know that we are feeling so lost because the memories of our loved ones will always be part of us. It's a good thing though to live with the memories, so we are still aware that our loved ones will always be part of us, part of who we are, part of the reasons why we are still here. Like wound needs time to heal, so our brokenhearts do. Time will recover us from this sorrow. I know that my dad's already living in peace and much happier so we will going through all of this.
Cheers,
Anya
What's left after the loss of the loved ones are memories. Memory is complex thing to understand. It's not a thing we can touch but it's part of our brains. Scientist explained that human memory involves the ability to both preserve and recover information we have learned or experienced. There are three stage models of memories- sensory memory, short term memory, and lond term memory. In my case, experiences I had with my dad restored in my long-term memory which uneasy to forget. I live with the memories forever and it's easy to recall those because, I thought, those all restored unconciously.
Repeatly told myself that I am very well, I am strong enough facing this storm and my brokenheart will be healed by time but I guess, I was wrong. Once, when I hungout with my friend, I saw my dad favorite food-chicken wings. That time, I was completely frozen and my mind wandered to the time when my dad ordered chicken wings while we ate some pizzas. My throat felt like being choked and I was going to burst into tears but I held myself not to cry so sudden in front of my friend. So, I pinched my arm to make myself concious. It happened all the time when I saw something that made me remember my dad.
My mom told me that she felt like that too. She, sometimes, was going blank in the middle of activities because her memories about dad suddenly came up. When she sang in the church, she shed tears because she recalled things about dad.
Then, I know that we are feeling so lost because the memories of our loved ones will always be part of us. It's a good thing though to live with the memories, so we are still aware that our loved ones will always be part of us, part of who we are, part of the reasons why we are still here. Like wound needs time to heal, so our brokenhearts do. Time will recover us from this sorrow. I know that my dad's already living in peace and much happier so we will going through all of this.
Cheers,
Anya
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